I sit quietly reading a book, waiting outside my sister’s dance class.A very nice and cheerful old lady comes.I steal a glance at her and again start my affair with the book,sure that she does not remember me from our last encounter.
She smiles warmly and says hello.I smile awkwardly and reply.She inquires after my studies kindly and i smile and mumble something.
She talks to her daughter who is standing there and i try to concentrate on my book.After a while i realize they are saying something to me.I again reply something inconsequential.After a while i get up,say something really stupid as to about offering my seat to her daughter standing who refuses it vehemently.I still mumble something incoherently and literally run,RUN off from there.
I go and sit outside in the cold.Wrap my shawl around me,apologize to my book for not paying enough attention and drown in its pages once again.
No this is not to talk about my great love story with this book!But rather to talk about the part where i run off leaving two perfectly nice people staring agape at me.
Looking at me with my friends or family you would never ever think that i have a problem with social situations.
It is not an all encompassing problem that i struggle with every day.I am a great chatter box with the people i am close and comfortable with.And if i go to a place with the intent of trying to fit in i usually do well too.As in at least i do not end up saying something silly or being unintentionally rude.But drop me in a middle of a social situation where i am not at all mentally prepared and it is an absolute torture for me.I just end up looking for escape routes.
Its not that i cant talk.I am a fairly knowledgeable person and can talk on varied topics.But i am just not one of those people who can talk to anybody and everybody!Also,I am fairly comfortable with silence.If i am with a person with whom i can not find much to talk about i would prefer being silent.But as i have often realized that that is not viewed as a very favourable state.Most people perceive silence as awkwardness.But i think it is forced conversation that makes situations awkward!
There are people who can put everyone at ease around them.These are usually people who have huge social circles and everybody desires their company.I admire such people but i know i can never be one of them.
I can not be at any point be something i am not.Here let me clarify that i am not demeaning in any way those people who do fit everywhere.But being one of these people does require some detachment from your personal state which i can never achieve.I am just too selfish!
I do not try to make people like me.It is sometimes viewed as arrogance but i just can NOT do it.It sometimes does put me in sticky situations but i would like to believe that the people who know me enough would not be deluded by this,
Well this was just me ranting !
I guess everyone feels like this at some point of time ,even the ones who seem to fit everywhere.
Just know that you are not alone.The cheerful ,pretty girl laughing in front of you surrounded by her friends,might just be laughing at some calvin and hobbes joke she remembered in her head.
What your eyes see is not necessarily the truth!